Welcome back, my dear reader. In the previous article, I made the following points in support of saving sex until after commitment is solidified (wedding).
1. It is within our nature to have sex. Without discipline, this good thing can ruin our lives.
2. Sex is a flesh thing it is always motivated by the desires of our human nature. It is the Holy Spirit that reigns in the flesh and allows us to be self-controlled.
3. It is best to nurture sexual discipline before your wedding.
4. A couple needs to become one emotionally before ever becoming one flesh.
5. Tasting the fruit before committing doesn’t guarantee that your commitment will be solid even if the fruit is good. Starting your marriage on this premise will lead to serious challenges if a dry spell hits your marriage in the future.
The previous article gave more than enough good reasons to save sex until marriage, but I want to ensure I am thorough so here are a couple more.
Guilt and Shame
Whether you grew up Christian or not you were taught “sex before marriage is fornication”. This means we naturally feel guilt after having sex without the wedding ceremony. Also, this means we feel internal pressure to marry someone once we have become sexually active with them. The sex flows out of our body’s natural reactions to the other person's acts of love, appearance, scent, and mentality. The dopamine and oxytocin flooding our bodies stops us from being able to make accurate judgments of a person and can also cause us to behave in disingenuous ways. We may sincerely want marriage but introducing sex too soon sends a different message. It says all I want is pleasure when we may really want more.
Once we start having sex it is very difficult to stop even if we feel guilt or shame. We naturally want to please our partner and feel the urge ourselves from time to time. But because of our prevailing understanding of fornication, even if we are sexually exclusive and faithful, we still feel guilty. This guilt will follow us post-ceremony. The guilt and shame that we internalized before the wedding ceremony will influence the flow of sex after the wedding ceremony. Most couples experience sexual difficulty in their marriage primarily because of how they were taught about sex before they married.
Walking into marriage with a “sex is sinful” mindset will require mental rewiring. My heart bleeds for the husband or the wife who ends up with a sexually repressed partner. They possibly grew up in church and so have a warped view of sex. Making the transition from abstinent or infrequent shameful sex to sex 4-7 times per week after the ceremony, is near impossible if there is guilt and shame surrounding sex in the mind of the husband or wife. If you believe you have sinned by having sex before your ceremony that belief will impact how you show up after your ceremony especially when things aren’t going smoothly.
I recommend all couples rid themselves of their guilt and shame surrounding sex before their ceremony. To do this they first need to stop having sex, repent of the perceived sin, and remain abstinent until after their ceremony. If they are already abstinent, they should have discussions about their desires and fantasies and verbally explore their sexual compatibility. This may cause arousal so they must be self-controlled. These discussions should occur over the phone or in the presence of a counsellor. Also, I recommend the intention to marry must be within 6 months. The mere expression and reciprocation of sexual desire for your partner is a strong bonding experience. It is just as powerful as sex itself. This is why it is dissuaded by most church people. It’s tricky, but I believe a couple should go forward into marriage knowing that they have someone who is not sexually repressed without having to have sex to test the waters.
Comparison
Most of us, especially if we are well-raised and cultured people, believed we would remain with our partner for life when we became sexually active with them. This is why breaking up and divorce is so mentally and emotionally devastating. We feel deep pain at the loss of our partner. We ruminate and think that possibly things could be fixed if we try again. But often our pride stops us from apologizing, and our fear of rejection pushes us to move on.
Once we have moved into a new relationship. The joy of the newfound love may replace the pain of the previous. However, we still remember. Memory is not voluntary. The more impactful an experience is, the harder it is for us to forget it. God, forbid we lose a partner who rocked our world sexually and then end up with a partner who doesn’t. The comparison will naturally happen within our minds. However, it must never leave our lips.
We must be honest about our sexual history with our partner especially if they ask. But I would not recommend we share details. It would be ideal if we could forget the details of the past because you do not want to bring comparison into your marital sex life. If you used to do certain things with your past partner and your husband or wife is aware of these things they may grow to expect and anticipate these same behaviours. If you withhold these behaviours, they may internalize the rejection and perceive that your past lover was better or more deserving. This will ruin the intimacy between you and your spouse. Unfortunately, things that are said cannot be taken back, even if we say, “Sorry I take that back”. The mental imagery is forever lodged in your partner’s mind.
This is why I recommend people be equally yoked where sexual history is concerned. If a virgin is going to be marrying a sexually experienced man or woman. The onus is on the experienced partner to protect their virgin partner’s ego and to teach their less experienced partner in a way that makes them feel good about their experience. Verbal comparison is an absolute NO NO. We all want to be the best our spouse has ever had. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to know If my wife has had better. Abstinence mek sense. If you have no past sexual partners, you have no one to compare your husband or wife to especially when you are dissatisfied, annoyed or caught in the heat of argument.
Unwanted Pregnancy and STDs
So far, I have discussed psychological reasons for why abstinence mek sense. Unwanted pregnancy and STDs are physical reasons. In the heat of the moment, we often forget that with great pleasure comes great responsibility. A night of passion and orgasms can lead to a lifetime of parenthood. Becoming pregnant should always be a joyous discovery. However, many of our broken homes today flow out of people who got pregnant for someone they merely had sexual desire for but no commitment. Many men run or deny paternity all because they wanted the pleasure but not the responsibility.
It is important that we pair ourselves with husband and wife material. If we are flippant with our sexual behaviour always going after the low-hanging fruit. We risk being forever connected to a person we don’t want to be connected to all because we share a child with them. I made the point in the previous article; I’ll make it again. You must become one mentally and emotionally before you become one flesh. Parenthood is our biggest responsibility on earth none of us want to face it without a committed and loving spouse by our side.
As for STDs, thankfully most of them are bacterial and curable. However, we live with herpes and HIV for the rest of our lives. It is always a scary experience when you contract an STI. Passing an STI to your partner is just downright gross. Herpes can go undetected for a while and is not life-threatening. However, HIV on the other hand is more serious and may relegate you to a lifetime of medication and regular doctor’s visits. In my opinion, a person who is HIV-positive should only marry another HIV-positive person. Also, we should all know our status and communicate our status before becoming sexually active with anyone. Abstinence mek sense, because once we are locked in with our person we shouldn’t have to worry about unwanted pregnancy or STDs.
God’s Will
Outside of all the reasons I have given thus far this is the most important. It is God’s will that we be sexually exclusive and faithful. Moving from one sexual partner to the next over and over is fornication. It takes discipline and emotional intelligence to maintain a monogamous marriage. If this behaviour is not nurtured it will not just magically happen once ring goes onto finger. If we were unfaithful before our wedding ceremony, we are likely to be unfaithful after.
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 1 Corinthians 6:12-13
Through my own reading of the Bible, I am convinced the ideal spiritual life is one that is sexless. No marriage, no fornication, no adultery, no orgasms, no lust, no urges. Complete celibacy is truly the way of the Lord. I know that sounds crazy. I mean wasn’t it God who said “It is not good for man to be alone” after which he created a wife for Adam? Yeah, that same God encourages sexual repression. You see we don’t need to be married to experience companionship. Singles can lead fulfilling lives with just friends and family.
The main reason I believe God created marriage and allows us to be married and spiritually connected to Him at the same time is because humanity must go on. We are in constant need of new babies. Marriage is the only place we can have our flesh and spirit intermingle safely. Otherwise, we wrestle with the tug of war between spirit and flesh. In the midst of the battle, we come out with scars and bruises, as we constantly try to decipher what sexual behaviour is acceptable for us while we are still single. The truth is the spiritual life is a celibate life. However, we need new people. If we all chose the 100% spiritual life we would all die out over time. God does not want that.
Closing Remarks
In my opinion, sex before marriage is not a sin just because it occurs before the wedding ceremony. Sex in and of itself is clean and necessary for humanity to continue. Fornication is deeper than just the action it has a lot more to do with the heart. To lay with someone just for the fun of it is immoral because they may be fully vested while you aren’t. To commit to someone and break your commitment is immoral. To engage sexually with someone else’s spouse is immoral. To commit to God that you will wait until after your ceremony and then break that commitment is immoral. All these scenarios are fornication.
Instead of asking “How far can we go without sinning?” Ask instead, "Do I want to make this person my husband or wife now?" If your answer is anything less than yes, then go no further than a church hug. I hope this article was insightful for you and has given you more reason to wait until your commitment is rock solid. The outward demonstration of commitment is your wedding ceremony. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 if you burn with passion for your close friend marry him/her as soon as possible. Trust that you both will figure out the rest by the grace and mercy of God.
Check out the latest video, further exploring this topic:
In my next article, I’ll be discussing boundaries. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
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