Marriage was God’s idea, not ours. He created Adam, the first man, and said it is not good for man to be alone, let us create a helpmate suitable for him. God made Eve for Adam. The two became one flesh and were married. No ceremony, no pastor, no witnesses but God and no paperwork. Just the couple and the sexual connection they shared. This is what God always intended until sin became a part of humanity. God has not changed, he remains the same now and forever more. Once a couple became one flesh they were never to separate. Divorce was never God’s idea, and He hates it.
Sin being a part of the human reality brings the need for police, officials, lawyers, judges and documentation. Because we tend to lie and change our minds accountability now becomes necessary. Previously a handshake could solidify an agreement and sex was sufficient to seal a marriage bond. As time progressed our requirements for marriage and other binding agreements have evolved and with this came the evolution of our rules and laws. But the standard of God remains, one man with one woman until death separates them.
The Evolution of Marriage
In today’s world, a couple is not regarded as married unless they have taken the legal steps. Even if they have become one flesh and have possibly been living together for years. They are still not considered married from a social and legal standpoint. However, I dear say they are married in God’s eyes and should remain together against all circumstances. Now a couple doing their thing privately reduces the level of accountability the community can exert on them. Accountability is important for the maintenance of order in our societies, it also offers a level of protection to the individuals in the marriage who have fickle emotions and may want to end their marriage from time to time out of frustration.
This is why the church emphasizes marriage and repeatedly preaches that a couple should not bond themselves to each other before having their wedding ceremony. The ceremony is a defence mechanism intended to communicate to the community that a man and woman are starting a family under God and we should do all we can to support them. However, it is the act of sexual intercourse that bonds the two. Sex is the physical act that makes a couple ONE FLESH aka married.
Now I know that last statement is controversial and is causing your hair to stand on end, but I have Biblical history to back up my disposition. In the olden days couples were married on the basis that the man and woman became one flesh. A woman needed to maintain her virginity. Because if she did not bleed upon being penetrated by her husband it meant she had already been married to another man. If she was not known to be a widow this would bring much disgrace on her and her family. The likelihood of her marrying another man would be very low. She would possibly be relegated to being a man’s concubine or a prostitute or stoned to death.
Some people who got married without ceremonies were Abraham and Sarah, who were half-siblings. Isaac and Rebekah were cousins. When Isaac’s servant brought Rebekah to him, Isaac took her straight into Sarah’s tent to marry her (Genesis 24:62-67). It was like love at first sight it seems. Jacob married his cousin Leah similarly in a tent. When he woke up the following morning and realized it wasn’t his beloved Rachel, he was furious. He confronted Laban about this deception. Laban told Jacob it was customary for the older sister to marry first, and that Jacob had to work another 7 years to get the younger sister Rachel as his wife. Jacobs great desire for Rachel compelled him to work another 7 years for Laban and he got Rachel as his wife as well. So, Jacob had two wives (Genesis 29:16-30).
The point I’m making here is that it was not a ceremony that made the couple married it was the act of becoming one flesh. However, let us note that there was accountability. The union that was made was not a secret but the parents of the couples were aware of the union being formed. Once the union was formed the couple was to stay together until death. Even though we see examples of polygamy in the Bible this does not mean it was God’s original intent. However, interestingly God allowed it, it was not sinful on the basis that it was not deceptive. This is a key point to grasp and remember as I go into what fornication is.
Fornication: Is it sex before marriage?
Growing up we all learned that fornication is sex before the wedding ceremony. This means no matter how long a couple have been living together, having children and being faithful to each other they are guilty of fornication. Which from a standpoint of logic never made sense to me. We church people often judge people who live together without being formally married as people who are “shaking up”. We Christians tend to reduce the seriousness and significance of a relationship no matter how long it has been going on just because the couple have not had a formal wedding.
Now, I understand why we do this. It’s because the wedding ceremony adds legitimacy to a couple’s commitment. None of us can see a person’s heart. Our main indicator of what’s in a person's heart is the physical manifestations. Things like flowers, rings, bracelets and ceremonies. Because we tend to change our minds and leave our relationships when things get hard, relying completely on just a couple’s word to keep them together is insane. However, what if we taught marriage differently? What if more people had the biblical understanding from a tender age instead of a cultural or legal understanding? Maybe it would make a difference. But what do I mean when I make this distinction between cultural and biblical?
Through Church and societal culture, we grow to understand that sex, the very act that brought us all here is somewhat dirty. So many people especially within the church become shy when talking about it. It seems as if it's a forbidden topic of discussion until we have had our wedding ceremony. Then we can explore and talk about it as much as we want. Once the ceremony is out of the way then we can do and say all the sex things we want because now it’s safe. Now we are in a committed covenantal relationship that is less likely to break down because we exchanged vows in a white dress and a nice suit in front of God and man.
Our cultural understanding of marriage is ceremony-focused, so most if not all Christian young people idolize the wedding day we look forward to it with great anticipation. We envision happily ever after because being married to the love of our lives is the ultimate goal for many of us. The truth is the ceremony is not marriage. It’s only a moment in time that we take to celebrate the union that has already existed and for a couple to further solidify their bond through the perceived magic of the event.
We teach that so long as a couple is not legally married it is socially acceptable for them to break up. We believe the wedding ceremony solidifies a couple’s union yet at least 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays both inside and outside of the Church. A major issue that could be contributing to the divorce rate is the belief that sex before the wedding ceremony is a sin even if the couple is faithful to each other. You see once a couple believes this, if they “fall” in this manner guilt and shame will penetrate their thinking surrounding sex. Frequent and passionate sex cannot flow out of the minds of spouses who feel guilty about their sins. Any challenge they face will be perceived as a punishment from God. Then one may blame the other for not having self-control or patience before the wedding ceremony and now the couple has conflict over a sin that cannot be reversed. What if they never believed it was a sin in the first place?
What is Fornication Really?
It has always been socially and financially advantageous for women to become wives. As a wife, you are under the protection of your husband. Who is usually stronger and more capable of earning consistent income. We also see in the Bible that a father would be particularly interested in a man’s ability to cover his daughter before allowing him to marry her. The more affluent a man was the more wives he took unto himself. King Saul required that David bring him 100 Philistine foreskins as payment so that he could be allowed to marry his daughter Michal (1 Samuel 18:20-27). Michal was the first of David’s 5 wives.
Now, A man having multiple wives was not considered fornication. Have you ever wondered why? The reason is that it was known and accepted. Fornication is not just sex before marriage it’s not that simple. It is deceptive sex, it is unfaithfulness. If fornication is simply sex before marriage that means married people can’t fornicate. But this is not true. Jesus in Matthew 19 (KJV) says except for fornication (unfaithfulness, infidelity) a man should not divorce his wife. Back then it was socially acceptable for a man to have multiple wives so long as the community was aware. The awareness came through the following of protocol which was followed by a wedding ceremony.
We consider sex before marriage to be fornication today not only because that’s what we were taught, but also because we tend to assume that the couple is being deceptive in keeping their union a secret. The secrecy lends itself to no accountability which sets the couple up for possible failure when the going gets tough. So, we encourage couples to wait until their wedding ceremony has passed before becoming sexually active. This is much safer for them and helps them to develop discipline in the wait, which is necessary for the journey ahead.
Closing remarks
In my foolish opinion, fornication is not simply “Sex before marriage”. Rather it is unfaithfulness which broadens the scope. If you have vowed to wait until your wedding ceremony to have sex and you end up having sex before, you have been unfaithful to your word. If you committed to be sexually exclusive with one person whether that be before or after a wedding ceremony. Then you break your commitment and become sexually active with another, you are indeed guilty of fornication.
If this is the case, then what is adultery? Adultery is remarriage while your original spouse is still alive (Matthew 19). It falls under the umbrella of fornication A lot of this goes on today and is generally socially acceptable even within the church. While God is not pleased, he extends grace upon us because unless we are taught correctly, we simply don’t know any better. These truths only became apparent to me after reading the Bible for myself. Most people don’t like to read. So, most of us are going with whatever the group thinks—the hive mind mentality. What we have been taught regarding these things is not wrong just simply incomplete. If you would like to see me speak on this topic click the video below.
I hope this article challenged you and caused you to question some things and think a bit deeper about your chosen belief system surrounding sex. In my next article I’ll be explaining why even though fornication isn’t simply just “sex before marriage”, it is still best to hold back from sexual intimacy until after your wedding ceremony. This is THE WORST RELATIONSHIP ADVICE EVER. You definitely should not take what I say to heart unless it makes sense to you in some weird way.
Blessings to you and your family.
Darren O. Salmon
____________________________________
Found this piece insightful? Remember to show our Guest Writer support by liking, commenting and sharing!